Boundaries in Conflict
To understand “Boundaries” let’s debunk the stigma attached to such a powerful word and uncover where they may be in conflict, understanding that the awareness is the stepping stone to establishing healthy boundaries and the essence of why they are vital to an everyday success story.
Let’s
look at the meaning of the word Boundary as per https://www.dictionary.cambrige.org:
- A
real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something
- The limit of a subject or principle
- The
limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behaviour
- A
line, piece of rope, etc. that marks the edge of the playing area on a cricket
field
The
true essence of a Boundary is to build onto a relationship rather than break
it. When we find ourselves in moments of conflict or confrontation it’s most
vital to understand the role we are playing in our story which in turn offers
space to see where we get to re-establish, construct or simply negotiate the
boundary lines to the benefit of both parties.
Here
are some conflicting Personal Boundaries that we shall dive into:
- Eating
- Money
- Time
- Task Completion
- The Tongue
- Sexuality
- Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Before we continue, I would recommend to go easy on yourself should some pieces unlock a trigger (a moment of agitation such as anger, guilt, shame, etc.), acknowledge it so we can work with it. The power you will hold is the knowledge you receive and what you decide to do once gained is one of the Hallmarks to the next step in your success story.
1. Eating
“The
secrets we hold in the shadows will eventually be brought to the light.” –
Unknown.
Weight
gain to start is a sly creature of habit, simply when work seems to overwhelm and
all of life seems to tumble around us. Food or the lack there of is the one
place we head to under the false pretenses of “control”. Thus, opening the door
to loss of stamina, dating life becoming more challenging and the greatest of
them all is the attitude we have toward ourselves.
The
time pressures of work can leave us feeling isolated where nothing can fill the
void beside “comfort food” or the lack there of. In this spiral, overwhelm of
shame draws us further away from relationships and back to the arms of comfort
food.
Food
serves as a false boundary, a reason to avoid intimacy or to become less
attractive… the “comfort” from food can be less scary than the prospect of real
relationships, where boundaries would be necessary.
2. Money
“The
problem isn’t money, it’s the LOVE of money that is the “root to all kinds of
evil””- 1 Tim. 6:10
Here
are some areas where tremendous problems with money may arise:
·
Impulsive
spending
·
Careless
budgeting
·
Living
beyond one’s means
·
Credit
problems
·
Chronically
borrowing from friends
·
Ineffectual
savings plans
·
Working
more to pay the bills
·
Enabling
others
The greatest temptation is to see money
problems as needing more income, however the concern is not the high cost of
living rather the cost of high living. When the financial outgoing is higher
than that of the incoming the main issue lay in the self boundary, where we
find it difficult to say no to spending more than we should and run the risk of
becoming someone else’s servant.
3.
.jpg)
3. Time
“Peoples
who’s time is out of control inconvenience others whether they mean to or not.”
– Dr John Townsend
Living
consistently on the edge of deadlines and possibly on the embracing path of
burnout, here are a few causes to pay some mind to:
·
Omnipotence- unrealistic expectations of what
they can truly accomplish in a given amount of time (“No problem- I will do it”
is the motto).
·
Over responsibility for others
feelings-
feeling as though others will feel abandoned when leaving an event earlier.
·
Lack of realistic Anxiety- living solely in the present moment
taking no account of the amount of time it would take to get ready, account for
any setbacks on the road as well as finding parking at the venue.
·
Rationalization- minimizing the distress and inconvenience
others must put up with due to their lateness.
The under-developed time boundaries may leave
one feeling incomplete for the day and add to tomorrows worries with running
behind schedule.
4.
4. Task Completion
“It
is finished”- John 19:30
The
internal under development of completing a task can at times look like “shiny
object syndrome”, where all ideas and task
seem great to start yet after a short amount of time a new idea surfaces and
calls for our attention where the previous task is now left in the wind. Some
of the concerns poor finishers may face are:
·
Resistance to Structure- submitting to discipline of a plan
is an insult to their skill set.
·
Fear of Success- the cause of others to envy and criticize
when reaching moments of success, leading to living small to not lose friends.
·
Lack of follow-through- they find it great to birth an idea and
hand it over to others to complete.
·
Distractibility-
the skill set to focus until a project is complete is under developed .
·
Inability to delay gratification- often times it’s the thrill of
instant gratification that hides the true value of working through the pain of
a project which offers a much sweeter reward.
·
Inability to say no to other pressures- taking on others responsibilities or
projects may leave no time to finish a job to its greatest potential.
5.
5. The Tongue
“The
pen is the tongue of the mind” – Horace
The
manner in which we use language can affect the quality of our relationships.
The word we use could be a blessing when we emphasize, identify, encourage and
confront others.
On
the other side of the coin we have the ability to use words as a curse such as:
·
Talking
non-stop to hide from intimacy
·
Dominate
conversation to control others
·
Gossip
·
Sarcasm,
expressing indirect hostility
·
Threaten,
expressing direct hostility
·
Flatter,
instead of authentically praise
·
Seduce
We have the power to set boundaries on what
comes out of our mouths. When we are unable to hold back or set boundaries on
what we say, our words are in control and not us. On a whole we are responsible
for the words we choose to speak.
“I didn’t mean to say that.” Can be translated
to “I didn’t want you to know I thought that about you.”
6.
6. Sexuality
“Out-of-
control sexual behaviour can take on a life of it’s own, unreal and fantasy
driven.” – Dr John Townsend
Individuals
caught up in out-of-control sexual behaviours such as pornography, prostitution,
indecent liberties, incest and more may find a feeling of deep isolation and shame.
Sexual
boundarylessness becomes a tyrant, demanding and insatiable. Where the
inability to say no to ones lust drives them deeper into the spiral of despair
and hopelessness.
7.
7. Alcohol and Drug Abuse
“The
decision to kill your addiction will only become a reality if you believe and
reinforce the fact that you have the capacity to do it.” – Ocho Otorkpa
As
most of those who have experiences with addiction in their homes or close
friend groups can understand devastation that follows.
The
fallout from the inability to set limits are divorce, job loss, financial
havoc, medical problems and death.
For
adults addiction is difficult even with some understanding of their character
and boundaries. The addiction within the youth whose boundaries are delicate
and forming, the effects are often lifelong and debilitating.
Now
that we have a greater understanding of where we may find conflicts within our
Personal Boundaries, I implore you to take a moment to simply acknowledge what
is coming up for you.
The
gift of knowledge is it simply offers feedback, and feedback in its greatest
form is truly just that. There is no right or wrong, it is what you intend to
do with the new understanding you have gained. Knowing there are ways to
re-establish, construct and develop a more fruitful way of life.
To
book a session send through an email on gaby@archerinspirations.com and
let’s uncover how you can step more powerfully into your Success Story.
Comments
Post a Comment